10/21/2017 LOVELY STORY JOKES
I once gave my husband the
silent
treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty
great lately!”
Bonnie
McFarlane,
from You’re Better Than Me
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a
very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always
laughed
because the men to whom I
was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my
new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Lisa
Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing
her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Submitted
by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
More: Love Jokes, One-Liners
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had
no
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet
a shoe box that
she forbade her husband
from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found
a
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage
was to never
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep
quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the
box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about
all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money
I made from selling the dolls.”
More: Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
#GeekPickupLines: My name’s
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
@tillinghast
(Mark Dryzcimski)
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me
at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”
@pound_hashtag
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says
“Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
@menshumor
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
@iowahawkblog
(David Burge)
More: Computer Jokes, Love Jokes
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
More: Corny Jokes, Love Jokes, Puns, Valentine’s Day Jokes
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in
“like-new condition” included a caveat:
It was worn “by Satan herself.”
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends
to leave
a path of destruction
behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not
limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle,
heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside:
“Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only
fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning
around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our
conversation
was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring
back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued,
“I
feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks
you were
trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house
again. But
if you’re up for a legal
encounter, I’m game.”
More: Computer Jokes, Love Jokes
• When Harry Met Sally and
Discovered
She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
—From
humorlabs.com
More: Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our
granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I
said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
—John
Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri
More: Funny Stories, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I
asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking
men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
—Glen
Phenix, Apex, North Carolina
More: Funny Stories, Love Jokes
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception,
my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are
better looking than half the women here.”
—Marlene
Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
More: Funny Stories, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
Boy: Do you have a date
for Valentine’s
Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a
little row-mance?”
More: Corny Jokes, Love Jokes, Puns, Valentine’s Day Jokes
What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse?
“I’ve got a crutch on you.”
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
What do you say to your
single friends on Valentine’s
Day? Happy Independence Day!
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
Every Valentine’s
Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my
roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant.
When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he
had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What
are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
My high-school English
teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a
B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of
the valentine season,
I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed
inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from
the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
As Valentine’s
Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I
discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had
the “perfect Valentine.” I
had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red
heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one,
however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now
overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would
mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of
a fax
machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a
napkin from
her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good
for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
Knock!
Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you
and I don’t care who knows it!
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his
son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my
golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making
out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”
“Now, calm down,” says his
father-in-law.
“There must be a
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he
reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says.
“She never got your text.”
More: Love Jokes
Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you
crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in
a woody allen movie.”
She got this
response from Mia Farrow: “Tried
that. Didn’t work.”
More: Love Jokes
A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course
meal.
“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”
He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”
—From Jokes
Every Woman Should Know (Quirk), edited by Jennifer Worick
More: Love Jokes
During World War II my
parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s
Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in
Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were
canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were
married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an
angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly
replied, “Okay, okay!” Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen
again!”
—Contributed by Sandra L. Caron
—Contributed by Sandra L. Caron
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I
decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d
scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who
seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was
checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. “I was over
visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice
you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the
second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”
—Contributed by Pat Patel
—Contributed by Pat Patel
More: Love Jokes
My friend Mark and I work
in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did
not want a card on Valentine’s
Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one.
Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he
looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an
idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next
to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”
—Contributed by Gene Hyde
—Contributed by Gene Hyde
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
My husband, a certified
public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In
spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s
Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously
began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read:
“Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be
through.”
—Contributed by Cindy Wolf
—Contributed by Cindy Wolf
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
The lingerie store where
my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s
Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy
black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was
holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier
choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
“Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.
—Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo
—Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long
time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met
over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”
—Contributed by Anne McConnell
—Contributed by Anne McConnell
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
I met my husband while I was working in a science
library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually
decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”
—Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”
—Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a
roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I
noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new
sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I
glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey
Dates Nuts”
—Contributed by Theodore Bologna
—Contributed by Theodore Bologna
More: Love Jokes, Valentine’s Day Jokes
I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my
marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague.
She was telling me about the death of another co-worker’s
spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They’d been married only five years,
so I imagine she still loved him."
More: Love Jokes
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to
propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one
word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before
approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart
skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, “My
darling,
I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?”
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, “Pardon?”
More: Love Jokes
At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was
pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a
lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have
been a Hollywood movie producer.”
The woman nodded. “I’ll make a note of that: ‘has-been
movie producer.'”
More: Love Jokes
Author Cindy Chupack coined these useful neologisms to
help those dating today.
Man-me-downs: Men who are passed
on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.
Cupidity: The faulty logic that
leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random
singles are perfect for each other.
DNRR (Do
Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any
circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.
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