joke bank - Relationship Jokes
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A child asked his father, "How were people
born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies
became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his
mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys
then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his
father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was
talking about her side of the family."
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her
husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but
warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his
mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a
week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill
worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five
minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the
floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there
on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill
was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant
anyway."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and
left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure
enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your
butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that
night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do
you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little
weenie?"
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment
grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The
wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I
have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her
husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said,
"Your name never came up in the conversation."
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
A wife comes home late one night and quietly
opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four
legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she
goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband
there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come
to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he
suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought
her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says
to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a
condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are
only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took
him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the
first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to
your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge
on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too
large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the
pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we
have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did
the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her
panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went
along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s
the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you
never will!”
joke bank - Relationship Jokes
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they
took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they
fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the
grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into
his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when
he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed
and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his
shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A police officer attempts to stop a car for
speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping
100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls
over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my
shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your
behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then
says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might
be that officer trying to give her back!"
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates
inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to
give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed,
humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how
the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain
exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about
yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more
and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new
teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a
speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was
excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked
confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice
and the second time he was sick."
Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for
15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there,
the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife
responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He
told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you, too!"
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a
boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is
disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife.
“Now you know how I always feel.”
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won
the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man
replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your
father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he
have?"
Student: "A heart attack."
Student: "A heart attack."
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she
woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl
necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his
wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of
Dreams."
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front
yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his
neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see
broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat
Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are
you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that
lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie
replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get
one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be
the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people
wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought
over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every
week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have
been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since
I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your
wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a
million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess
for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said,
"Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have
wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were
finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said,
"Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be
believing in genies?"
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a
large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to
me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful
woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
A man and a woman are sleeping together when
suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and
says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed,
jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the
street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says
to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty
look, "So why did you run?"
A married couple are out one night at a dance
club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and
says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him
down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"
A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I
die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."
The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband
responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
A couple are rushing into the hospital because
the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that
he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and
father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked
up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the
father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he
can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says
that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel
anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband
still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there
is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find
the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for
the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks
it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of
the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed
genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your
ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion
dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish
for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts,
everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two."
"Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes,
returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d
like you to beat me half to death.”
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And
you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic
crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one
husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied
miserably, "My wife missed the bus."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom
approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100
if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm
supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her
forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the
pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to
prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve
her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at
another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then
leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She
made me a better offer."
A husband, who has six children, begins to call
his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused
at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired
of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get
me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party
with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's
time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you,
father of four!"
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the
grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A
landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again,
"Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look
like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she
begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was,
"What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home
from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light
bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?"
The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and
fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!"
"Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a
cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew,
so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do
you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"
A young couple is on their honeymoon. The
husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to
himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet
and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her
while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that
my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do
I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky
to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived
with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him
gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks
into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife,
puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and
says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make."
She says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a
divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the
morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said,
"So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's
house!"
The secret to a long marriage is that we take
time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his
attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man
seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached
him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For
whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a
moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks
and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete
in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!"
asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me
lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some
thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]
A man came home from work, sat down in his
favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me
a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a
beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a
beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!”
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on
him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have
a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The
bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis."
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first
day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot
said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with
my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."
If you want to know who is really man’s best
friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back
an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still
love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."
An old man goes into the Social Security Office
and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is
asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the
gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to
his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if
you can get disability!"
Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy
when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks
Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and
I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon
Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it
anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his
brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies.
"It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
A man put out a classified ad that read, "Wife
wanted." The next day he received a hundred responses all saying the
same thing: "You can have mine."
Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for
dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by
endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice,
that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling
your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To
tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends."
Jill: "They already have boyfriends."
Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
A funeral service was being held for a young
woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket
out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come
from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman
was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and
they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying
her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot, then he looks into his shirt
pocket and orders another one. After he finishes, he looks into his
pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket
before ordering each shot. The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife
in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't
tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same
time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your
dick is bigger than your brothers."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs
to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks
up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only
17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so
caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The
words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us
in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering
herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember
when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that
too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
"I would have gotten out today!"
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